Themes and Teachable Moments from Just a Girl: Growing Up Female and Ambitious
There are mothers and fathers today raising sexist boys, so there will still be plenty of sexist men in the future. But we can change that. We need to make a pledge to raise liberated boys. I know it’s hard, I know many women are afraid to stand up to men, especially their husbands and partners. Like my mother was, women are often financially dependent on men and they are frightened they might lose what little security they’ve managed to scavenge for themselves.
Though it’s sad that women remain the main child-rearing force in a family today, we women can leverage that position to raise non-sexist children. Women have so much influence over their children. I encourage all women to take advantage of that to change the next generation of men. No matter how rough and tumble your husband or your boys may be, you can have a heavyweight significance on how they turn out, a real “Mama, Don’t Let Your Cowboys Grow Up to be Sexist” effect.
Today, I see the emphasis on transforming girls into warriors rather than molding boys into emotionally connected beings. The current message is: Make our girls tough, but don’t make our boys sensitive.
Blaming yourself should not be your default.
Don’t give up if you are not perfect at some skill even if a parent or teacher tells you that you should forget it. Please press ahead, it’s the only way to get better at something.
Many of us have been taught that the man’s life takes precedence over ours. Don’t just follow a man, don’t make major life decisions based on a fleeting boyfriend. It’s OK to do that for a committed relationship where give and take is equal, but not when it’s all on your side and the relationship is iffy.
Sexual harassment is the main weapon men use to keep women silent, down, and out.
Sexual harassment is not driven by sexual motives, but a desire to maintain status.
There are different types of sexual harassment. Be aware of what type you are dealing with—it helps you to cope. You understand the harasser’s motive and what “bucket” he belongs in. Awareness brings greater understanding of what to do about it.
Doctors use their authority to harass female patients and it is still rampant today. Watch out for male medical professionals, get a female doctor if you are at all uncomfortable.
Be aware that sexual harassment in traditional female jobs is often about keeping us down, “in our place.” If you enter a nontraditional female role, sexual harassment is used to keep you out and, if you get in, to make you quit.
Male colleagues are threatened and see you as a competitor. They may use sexual harassment as their weapon to compete with and eliminate you.
Protest as best you can, but you will likely face retaliation.
Men may make up lies—that you are a cheater, a liar, promiscuous—to get rid of you and keep you out of their workplace.
My number one mantra is that women must support other women.
Make your own decisions even in the face of discouragement from authority figures. You know as much or more than that person about what you need, what’s right for you, and what you are capable of.
A technique I’ve learned was to ask someone ahead of a meeting to come to my aid, with examples and their endorsement, if a certain topic became controversial. There is nothing like another voice, an advocate in the room, to back you up and help you make your case. But you have to speak up and ask for it.
I made pacts with other women, or sometimes a good guy, ahead of meeting time so when a man would get credit, someone would speak up, Great Idea, Linda—getting an
I practiced not apologizing.
“Women have cooperated in their own enslavement” (Shirley Chisholm). We are a majority of the population for god’s sake!
“You shouldn’t get on your knees to scour a tub, because you shouldn’t get on your knees for anyone, ever,” an older, fellow motel maid told me. I had never heard that kind of stand-up-for-yourself message before, and it invigorated me, as small as that was.
I found that the best trick is to find your support system, allow yourself to vent, get it out, move on, then focus. It’s how you keep your power at work.
Even though I know now how you dress doesn’t give anyone the right to attack you, I warded against any problems by always wearing whatever I had on that day to dinner, like the men did with their daytime business suits. And I coach young women, “Even though it’s a fancy restaurant and we’re drinking, it’s business, so dress that way. You should be able to dress however you want, but that’s not the reality.”
In defense of their harassment and unwanted comments, men always say, “Gosh, I can’t even compliment a woman anymore.” But they know the difference. Compliments make people feel good, harassment makes them feel degraded. So, yeah, go ahead and give a compliment, but don’t sexualize it. And how about complimenting that woman on her finesse in negotiating a good deal, managing a thorny project snafu, or completing her thesis? There are other types of compliments besides appearance-based ones.
I don’t recommend you wait until you snap to take charge of your life. Do it now, before you get to that point.
For me, the long process of growing my self-esteem, becoming a mother, and earning my PhD helped me make the change. I’d had small baby steps and revelations along the way, like the motel maid who told me not to kneel down for anyone, and the protest at Roy Rogers Restaurant where we got the harasser fired.
I don’t believe in one “trigger” moment that often features in bestsellers—one pivotal event that changes everything. It makes a good read, but it’s not real life, in my experience. Real life is a series of slow, small, iterative events that result in gradual change and self-awareness. And it’s combined with a lot of steps backwards along the way.
I highly recommend that women use the legal and ombudsperson resources available to them today. Unfortunately, human resources is not always your friend. Their job is to protect the company, and nothing you say to them is confidential.
Women have lived their lives as lies for so many years. We lie about our capabilities, our true feelings; we pretend and manipulate in order to gain male favor or bolster men’s egos. I relished when I started really telling the truth about myself. I started realizing I could win that tennis game, ace that test, meet the top metric for that project, and show who I truly was. I didn’t have to giggle when I wasn’t amused or smile when I was mad or meet gender expectations programmed in me. I advise telling the truth, but you don’t have to offer up everything in your mind and heart, not all the gritty details.
Speaking out and questioning the status quo is a way for everyone to learn and agree on right and wrong behaviors. As women rise up the corporate ladder and gain more power, we can argue that employees who misbehave, such as showing blatant sexism or prejudices, shouldn’t get that promotion or should even be fired.
We can seek justice rather than revenge. We can push back as equals. And, as we attain equality, we have an obligation as women to help other women and minorities. It doesn’t mean we have to advocate for everyone at all cost; it means we open a door for those who deserve it.
There is a boys’ network and they use it to help each other. They do talk. They will help each other against women.
Stick it out. Women must stay in the man world at universities and in corporate America and speak up about the sexual harassment they face.
To relieve our society and women of this soul-crushing behavior of sexual harassment, we need to break the whole circular chain of our culture. This chain consists of several links, from early parenting, to schools and universities, to corporations. There are ways to do this, and it’s not rocket science.
Overall, we can together support a movement for boys’ and men’s liberation (I suggest “BAML”) to enable them to have full emotional lives and equality.
BAML must include boys, hence the name, not just adult men, to start early with a new generation of males.
The key to a better future, in my opinion, is infusing our boys with self-assurance and sensitivity through conscientious parenting.
We can change this by bringing up our boy children to embrace both traditionally feminine as well as masculine qualities.
Our educational systems can be part of the efforts of BAML. We can work early in the lower grades with parents to reinforce teaching sensitivity, non-bullying, and inclusion.
Our educational system has the job of providing the school-to-career pipeline so corporations will have a good selection of diverse candidates to hire. They need to be sure women stay in technical fields by providing female-friendly, non-harassment environments. A girl should never have to fight off her teachers like I did.
Corporations must be a part of BAML. To advance their culture, companies can advocate for men who want to change the female/male dynamic. This can be done by supporting men who want parental leave, time for kid pickup/drop-off, and the opportunity to raise their kids and spend time with their families.
Working in the corporate safety area, we set goals for zero safety incidents. With this method and loads of hard work, we reduced accidents and injuries and ensured that everyone went home safely. We can apply this model to sexual harassment and chop down the number of incidents.
We had an expression in the safety culture, “If you see it, you own it.” Everyone gets involved—if you see sexual harassment, you have the responsibility to speak up. Companies can utilize this “bystander intervention” as a powerful axe to curb bullying.
Show up the next day, hold your head high, and look your harassers in the eye. And tell everyone if there is a predator in your midst. Speaking out, as hard as it is, is the way to heal and institute change.